I can’t really wear those skintight Lycra bike shorts, and the last time I priced baggies, they were out of my financial range. A friend of mine suggested buying some padded underpants and wearing those under my regular shorts. Do those really work? Or do they rub the wrong way? 

What you’re telling me here is that you’re not only fat, you’re broke and fat. Condoning (never mind encouraging) a bunch of fat people in padded underpants is just not a socially responsible thing to do. Here’s a better plan:

1. Get a job.
2. With your first paycheck, buy a pair of good Lycra riding shorts, preferably Assos or Castelli.
3. Tape them to the door of your, I’m guessing, sizeable refrigerator.
4. Keep working hard and, every time you see those shorts taped to the fridge, think of how big and flabby your butt is.
5. In a month or two you should be trim enough to sport a pair of Lycra shorts. You’ll also be slim and sexy enough to ditch your so-called “underpants” and get something proper to wear beneath your new wardrobe.