I am 14, from LA. My father is Italian and my mother is Japanese. My father brags about Italian this and Italian that (it makes Mom sick), but he rides a Bianchi with Shimano Ultegra! I’m afraid if coolness is hereditary, I’m only halfway there. — Pietro, CA

In claiming his love for all things native to him yet riding Shimano, your dad’s being a supreme Italian—completely confused and nonsensical, and thus hip beyond logic. Study the man. Anyway, I have a hard time feeling sorry for you. You’re a Sony digi-cam designed by Gio Ponti shooting footage of Thora Birch. Get yourself a black Comme des Garcons suit, a Prada tie and a pair of flip-flops and do some damage.