At the end of last season, I bought a new Trek 5200 with Zipp wheels. Suddenly, guys who once liked me were razzing me like I’m miserable yuppie scum. Why do cyclists judge each other based on gear? — David-Michael Hansen, CA 

Let’s consider the evidence here:

1. You have a Trek 5200
2. It has Zipp wheels
3. Your name is David-Michael

Obviously you are miserable yuppie scum. Your only chance at a life with true style is to be who you are to the fullest. Stop trying to keep one toe in the real world. Upgrade the Trek to a 5900 with a one-off paint job and seal the deal with $3,500 German Lightweight or ADA all-carbon wheels. You’ll never ride like Lance but you, my disgusting friend, can buy like Lance. Earn respect with pure and absolute purchasing power.

By the way, we don’t judge people by what gear they own; just those whose gear owns them.